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LMM Healthy Eating


This piece for Teach Secondary brings together my two passions of mine – education and fried chicken. Subscribe at and I might be able to afford a family bucket tonight.

And every other night.

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Healthy Eating policy meeting


GL – (Deputy Vice Principal), BN, RR, CL

Meeting held in:

RR’s office. Because she has cake.


It has been noted that within a two-mile radius around the school there are now 11 fast food establishments. These include: Chicken Palace, Chicken Castle, Chicka-Chick-Ah!, Licka-Chick-Ah!, Cluck-U-Like, Poultry Offerings and Dave’s Chicken Shed.

(“Ooh, I love Dave’s!” interjects CL at this point. “They’ve got this thing called The Grease Bucket. It’s just the skin. It’s ace.”)

With this influx it seems prudent to promote healthy eating in school to attempt to minimise the detrimental effect that these takeaways may present to the students in regards to diet.

At this juncture it was suggested by BN that this may be something of a tall order when students like Cammy in Y10 sincerely believe that consuming something that isn’t a highly caffeinated green neon sludge or a deep-fried mystery meat is akin to the abuse of her human rights.

“I think if someone offered that girl a carrot, she’d stab them with it.” was BN’s prognosis of the situation.

Even so, it was decided, for the sake of the students’ health, (and Cammy’s very-near-future heart problems), that a push on healthy eating was the way forward.

Salad in a bucket?

Making the school cafeteria offerings more appealing to the students was one of the options considered.

“We could put everything in buckets. I love buckets,” suggested CL.

“We could make it not be awful,” was BN’s somewhat out of left field proposal. “I don’t know about anyone else, but I had the tuna bake yesterday; it wasn’t baked properly and I’m pretty sure whatever was in it wasn’t tuna.”

It was decided to expand the salad bar selection and put up posters encouraging healthy eating and exercise, and highlighting the dangers of overconsumption of fried chicken. (I have my suspicions that this was more for the benefit of CL than anyone else.)

Repelling borders

The big question was then addressed: should the upper school students be prevented from leaving school grounds at lunch, thereby minimising the chance that they’d be mainlining hot chicken every day?

“There’d be pushback from the parents,” stated RR. “Cammy’s mum for one would be trebucheting £1.99 two-piece meals over the fence just in case her baby wasn’t getting her usual 18000 daily calories for a start.”

Even though this was undoubtedly true, it was decided to have a parent consultation about the idea – and with community support, the lunchtime restrictions would come into play at the beginning of the new academic term.

“Erm…these new restrictions,” asked CL, with a distinct look of terror on his face, “would they be applied to the staff as well as the students do you think?”

“Well, I think we could probably do with being role models, so that’d probably be a yes,” admitted GL. On hearing this, CL broke out into a serious meat sweat.


Staff were tasked with finding out what is in those drinks that Cammy has, and where they can get some.

CL was seen making his way to Dave’s. Possibly to stockpile.



I don’t teach angels and I don’t teach saints. I don’t teach monsters or demons either. I teach people. They are sometimes beautiful and sometimes ugly. They often follow their own agency but are also often swept away by factors beyond their control. Sometimes this is the same person.

They break my frames.

They aren’t my past self or my past self’s friends or my past self’s bullies. They are not me.

They are not my cause. They are not what I believe they are or what they should be. They are not what the research says they are or what I want the research to say that they are. They are not the tool to prove my worth or my worthiness.

The way that I view them does not make me a better or worse person because that view is not them. They are not my romanticism or my cynicism. They make me neither hero or villain.

They are not the future and they are not the problem. They represent nothing but themselves.

And that is enough.

LMM ‘Well-being’

Here’s another account of an absolutely critical school meeting written by my anonymous contact. Subscribe to and I’ll write more of them. No, sorry, I mean they’ll write more of them. Or something. Whatever. 

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Staff Wellbeing Meeting


GL – (Deputy Vice Principal)





TR (Due to illness)

TT (Due to illness)

GH (Due to illness)

FH (Due to illness)

HK (Due to illness)


Art studio – only one that doesn’t have at least one migraine-inducing flickering fluorescent light.


So what exactly is the problem?

The meeting has been was called by senior management to try to pinpoint the reasons for / and alleviate the issues surrounding the perceived decline in staff wellbeing. Attendees were asked what one of the main problems was.

“Meetings.” – CC

“Endless meetings.” – RL

“**** endless meetings.” – PB

GL stated that he would look into the many and varied reasons that had been stated and call a meeting with other members of the senior leadership team to see if they couldn’t get to the heart of the matter in this hugely multifaceted issue. Responders were also invited.


Stretch and challenge

GL was pleased to announce that a yoga consultant had been brought in for a day’s training to help staff to try and manage their stress levels. At this point, the other attendees stress levels seemed to go through the roof.

“As much as I would love to learn good form in downward dog,” stated PB, I’m not sure it’s massively relevant when trying to teach 9LL simultaneous equations.

“I dunno. Being bendy might be useful when they start chucking stuff,” said RL. “You could go all Neo from The Matrix and dodge it.”

“Will yoga help with the time it takes to complete a set of books using the new triplicate mark scheme?” asked CC. “Does this yoga have the potential to bend time and extend the hours in the day so I might not have to be green-penning it until 11pm every night?”

GL stated that this wasn’t on the website but he could certainly look into it. He assured people that it would be a good way to manage stress.

“Wouldn’t it be better to try and minimise the reasons for that stress rather than our reactions to it?” asked RL. “I mean, if workload was lessened, perhaps we wouldn’t have to pay someone to come in and teach us how to roll about on a mat for an hour.

GL informed those present that it was, in fact, an all-day event.

“But that doesn’t leave any time for department planning,” explained RL.

GL stated that planning would then have to be shifted to another time in the day. Break or lunch perhaps? As the yoga training was compulsory perhaps they should organise a meeting to plan when it can take place?

At this point in time RL, PB and CC all had to leave for their next meeting. Unfortunately, they all went on sick the day after.


No. Even if there was someone else would have to sort it, I can feel myself coming down with something as well.


Here’s one from If you hit the link and subscribe they say they’ll get me a new whiteboard marker. I think they’re telling the truth this time. 

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For the majority of my career, I’ve worked in places that have been deemed to be ‘challenging’. I’m not a huge fan of the term. It’s a bit of an educational misnomer.

I find getting out of bed on a Monday morning (or any other morning quite frankly) to be ‘challenging’, the weekly trolley smash to get the shopping with my two sprogs is ‘challenging’. Heck, managing yours truly can often be a tad ‘challenging’. Working in a school that has underlying problems isn’t just ‘challenging’, it’s rock hard.

Rock. Hard.

But ‘I work in a rock hard school’ hasn’t really got the same ring to it. There’s none of that positive sheen and gloss that people so love to present to the outside world. You’re not going to see a job advert for HoD that states:

“We are looking for a passionate member of staff to come and work in our tough-as-nails-that-have-seen-some-terrible-things-during-wartime school.

I understand the reasoning in using the word. I understand that ‘challenging’ offers an aspirational alternative to ‘rough as a hedgehog’s five o’clock shadow’ but I also understand that in education there can be a tendency to do a bit of semantic juggling to paper over some pretty large cracks. I sometimes wonder if people think that if you change the name, the nature of the thing will automatically follow. I also wonder why these people don’t call themselves Millionaire McSexypants. Those people are delusional. Or lazy. Or both.

So here’s a tip to all senior management out there – if you’re referring to your school as ‘challenging’, best be doing everything you can to help your staff meet that challenge. Otherwise, it’s just another euphemism designed to muddy the waters. Or ‘a lie’ as I like to call it.

At heart, it’s a question of striking a balance between image and honesty. That’s the real challenge, right there.

The other problem I have with the term is that every school has unique and particular challenges no matter how well or how badly they’re doing. If it’s not behaviour, it can be workload. If it’s not workload, it can be pastoral issues. If it’s not pastoral issues it could be staffing and so on and so on. Even the most pleasant, together schools where the kids are polite, staff are well rested and look forward to functioning at optimal capacity to help their charges (I have heard wild rumours of such places) have their own challenges to be overcome.

I can drag a class of 35 through GCSE when 27 of them have severe behavioural issues and that’s challenging, but so is taking a talented top set class through their A Levels which is something I haven’t done for so long that the prospect of it would be one that fills me with dread. Whether something is challenging or not doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be at the extreme end of things. Challenging is sitting down with a kid whose parents are going through a messy divorce and doesn’t know how to take it. It’s taking some year 10s on a skiing trip (even when they’re being absolutely brilliant). It’s break in drizzle. It’s making sure that your targets exceed last year’s. It’s parents evening when the expectations are sky high. It’s a million other things teachers have to do in thousands of schools up and down the country. They’re all challenging. The very DNA of this job is challenge, no matter where you work.

Granted, some of these challenges may be, well, slightly more challenging than others. I wouldn’t mind swapping the behaviour issues I deal with frequently for something a little bit more genteel for instance but I’d be willing to bet my hurriedly scoffed Friday canteen fish and chips (with extra chips) that there’s not one school in this country were working there does not present itself some form of challenge. It’s just that they’re different types of challenges, that’s all.

Words are important as is the way we choose to utilise them. We shouldn’t have to be given the extra challenge (HA! LOOK WHAT I DID!) of trying to negotiate words that don’t really mean what they’re supposed to and we should try to appreciate that one teacher’s challenging isn’t the same as another’s yet they both come under the same banner.

I’m off to do the weekly shop. Always up for a challenge, me.

Thanks for reading.

LMM – Streaming


This month’s minutes makes me suspect that my contact may have been reading a fair bit of Shirley Jackson recently. Subscribe to to read more minutes.   

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Streaming of Classes

Present: Everyone who has a stake. It’s packed to the rafters.

Apologies from: No-one. They’d be mad to miss this.

Meeting held in: The main hall. Nowhere else is big enough.



It’s about ‘reports and things’

It was restated by our glorious leader RL that streaming is a good way to pool resources and thereby lessen teacher workload.

It was also restated (after a number of anonymous suggestions in reference to the last meeting on the subject) that streaming has, in no way, been implemented so that certain members of the Senior Leadership Team can harvest off all the most able classes and make like they’re the best thing to happen to teaching since clickers with those little lazer pointers in them.

When ST (who has been reading a bit too much about education for just about anyone’s liking) asked about the evidence base for this most recent decision, RL muttered something about ‘reports and things’ and was later seen to be putting a line through a name on a list.

But to be honest no-one really cares about that because, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE MAIN EVENT IS HERE WHICH IS…



Anyone but them

Breath is short. Those who believe in talismans have brought their lucky pens, their photos of beloved children, anything that they believe will make things swing their way. Silent prayers are made and fingers are crossed in the hope, the hope beyond hope, that their groups will be in the top half of the table, that the dark shadow of the bottom set will pass over them, to rest on somebody, anybody else. This is no time for charity. Each of them are alone in their victory or their suffering.

Science is the first to be chosen. The dozen staff share nervous looks as the allocation sheets are passed out. A pregnant pause punctuated by the rustle of paper as each of them look for what their fate may be. A stifled cheer goes up from AH as he realises that he’s got the top class. Other reactions are varied but even those from that have been chosen to lead some of the lower sets have a sense of relief about them.

Then there’s OC. OC’s face is frozen in a rictus of terror. He looks desperately to the left and to the right with eyes pleading for this not to be so. The other staff move away from him, as if what he has is contagious, further and further until OC I’d left alone, weeping and raging at anyone stupid enough to get close.

“I’m sure with such a positive attitude, OC will achieve success with even our most challenging of groups” says RL as he beckons a couple of vice principals to lead OC away.

The rest of the meeting goes much the same for the different departments. Some are lucky and some are sacrificed. Just because the lucky ones seem to hold senior positions is neither here nor there. As is the fact that for some reason, ST received four bottom sets.


No, I’m not hanging around so they can give one of them to me.

Meeting adjourned:

As fast as possible.

Groups keep putting what I write into their magazine. Subscribe by hitting the link to bear witness to this madness.

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One of the things that doesn’t seem to be much discussed when it comes to behaviour in schools is group dynamics within the classroom. I’m not talking you and the kids; I mean the kids and the kids. There’s a heavy emphasis on what a teacher can do to improve an individual’s behaviour (in some quarters there’s a belief that a teacher’s actions are the only thing that affects behaviour but as we all know, the people who subscribe to this are quite clearly completely and utterly insane) – in comparison however, the effect that different students have on each other seems relatively overlooked.

This could be down to a couple of things. It might be due to the fact that there is very little wriggle-room (if we don’t count streaming or other similar practices) with regard to who ends up in the class in front of us, so we accept the group as it is presented and just get on with it. However, if we dig a little deeper I think the reason for the lack of focus on group dynamics is that with it an ugly truth rises close to the surface, which is to do with the notion of teachers being masters of their own fate. In moving the focus away from the direct line of transmission of behaviour management from teacher to student we skirt close to a realisation that some find unpalatable, which is this:

The ease of a teacher’s success in behaviour management is very often down to the luck of the draw.

Now, behaviour as ‘register roulette’ might not be the most chirpy of ideas out there. It allows and admits a certain amount of chaos and chance when it comes to teaching – and who wants to admit that? It’s a depowering concept in a lot of ways. I’m in no way saying that we defer our responsibility to do our utmost to create and maintain an environment where every student is allowed to learn, but on the other hand, I think there has to be some acknowledgement of other factors that have an influence within those four display-laden walls apart from the whiteboard marker-wielding person at the front. Group dynamics being one of them.

When it comes to the mix of students in a class, some are a golden draught and some are a steaming toxic slop barrel that glows yellow when you turn the lights off. There might be a buzz in the room as children spark off each other in wonderful ways or there might a buzz in the classroom as children try to use sparks to set fire to each other in wonderful ways. Personality clashes, age-old grudges, even family feuds; all these can put paid to the best teaching in the world.

It means that the starting point for teachers when it comes to successfully managing a class differs, and that the journey is a lot harder for some than it is others given the hand that’s dealt. It’s not just you and them. It’s them and them. And him. And her at the back. And Daryl and Kim. They’re the worst.

For me, the relationships that kids form with each other and how those relationships manifest themselves in the classroom are infinitely more important than anything I can do directly. Of course, teachers can dampen the effect of powder-keg classes, model good relationships and respect for others, shuffle and change seating plans, take key players aside and give them an earful if that’s what’s needed; but at the end of the day people are complicated, and the way they act towards each other is even more so.

Times this by a shed load if you’re talking about children.

We’re only one person in a room of thirty (if you’re lucky). That’s thirty minds and hearts all mixed together. It’s a small sea of humanity looking primarily to each other for affirmation, entertainment, threat, love (yuck) and a plethora of other wants and needs beside. Sometimes this means great things and sometimes it means a massive headache.

So have a think about group dynamics next time you’re in. Try to take yourself out of the equation and look at how they are with each other. It can sometimes open your eyes to a world outside your sphere of influence, where there are triggers and factors away from what you do. It’s a scary thought… but no-one ever said this teaching lark was going to be a doddle.

Thanks for reading.

Minutes (4)

Here’s another leaked document from my contact who is certainly not me. This time it’s on behaviour policy. As a rule, my policy is that everyone has to behave, apart from me. Subscribe to or I’ll not be pleased and no-one wants that. 


New Behaviour Policy Meeting

Present: DR, PT, AA

Apologies from: The entire senior leadership team

Meeting held in: DR’s room, as he has biscuits

ITEM 1: Rationale behind updating the behaviour policy

The old one is 87 pages long and seems specifically designed to be so complicated that by the time anyone follows the procedure any kid will have stopped exhibiting any type of unwanted behaviour as they will have left school, grown up and died from old age.

“Guess that’s one way of dealing with it,” commented DR.

It has been decided that the policy is well overdue a renewal, especially given the recent behaviour of Y9, who are starting to exhibit character traits, attitude and responses seemingly inspired by post-apocalyptic literature and film, “and that’s not even on the scheme of work,” stated PT.

ITEM 2: New policy suggestions

Suggestions as to what the new policy should look like were taken.

PT seemed fairly enthused by this:

“What we need to do is create a space where students can air their grievances. Somewhere non-threatening without any sharp lines or corners. Some sort of circular construction maybe. A dome perhaps. And in it, we can place tools that will allow the students to manifest their aggression and…”

“We are not building the Thunderdome out of Mad Max,” stated LR. “For one thing, we haven’t got the budget for chainsaws.”

A card system was suggested where students would be given colour coded cards for infractions of the policy. Green for good behaviour, yellow for a warning and red for a punitive measure.

“I for one,” asserted AD. “am not waving a red card at Theresa in 9BB. Can you imagine it? It’d be like slapping an angry bull on its nose. She’d go mental. Start smashing up china shops and everything.”

There were a fair few nods and mutterings of agreement.

Whatever form was agreed, it was made clear that it would be essential that the senior leadership team should be visible at all times, taking the lead in carrying out and supporting any punitive measures, and allowing students to see that the entire staff are a cohesive whole and that there is consistency throughout.

ACTION: Find a member of the senior leadership team and inform them of this, seeing as none were able to attend the meeting due to them being elsewhere on important senior leadership team business.

Other suggestions included:

Krav Maga and small arms training for staff
Some form of pen/corral for Theresa
Restorative practice (“I need a restorative after 9BB, that’s for bloody sure”)
An emphasis on positive reinforcement
Battle Royale
Hunger Games

It was agreed that whatever form the policy takes, it needs to be clear, concise, easy to understand, and feature absolutely no chainsaws.


There were a couple of other things that were needed to be run by the senior leadership team but y’know. Meh.

Many thanks to DR for the biscuits

Meeting adjourned: in time for everyone to get down to the gym for some strength training in preparation for Teresa’s return.